The Score, The Score Card & The Score Keeper

In the USA we have "Truth, Justice & The American Way." But let me tell you what "The American Way" is – it's the fundamental law that penis equals right.

Yes, in the good ol' USA, "the land of the free, and home of the brave," the country that currently runs around trying to liberate the huddled masses elsewhere, women are still property. Troublesome property at that.

It's the old patriarchal mentality at work, where a man's a manly-man, & a woman had better be quiet. If you don't believe me now, that's OK, I don't expect you too. Until it happened to me, I lived & believed as you likely do, that justice will have its day. Maybe we have to believe this in order not to go crazy... But I can no longer live in such a fairy tale.

Gone is Pollyanna, the girl who was taught that wrong is wrong, and bad guys get what's coming to them. Gone is the girl who sits at the heart of every woman, the one who believes simply in justice – be it karmic or the law of her land. This girl is among the many casualties of That Day.

I've had such a difficult time starting this journal/blog. I started it because I feared what would happen if I didn't get it all out there – outside my head, out there for others to find. But now that I have this space, I'm at a loss for where to begin, really begin my story.

Due to privacy reasons, which in time I hope will be something I can make clear, I cannot tell you everything. Even if I had the heart to do so. And who can say when it all started? But obviously I need to start somewhere, with something that provides context...

To that end, I bring you: The Cast of Characters.

The Incident: The battery, as defined by law. (May also be referred to as That Day.)

The-Then-Husband: The man I was married to, who battered me. (Also known as TTH, for ease in typing.)

Our son: The boy born of this union, who the courts have primarily placed with his abusive father, deeming TTH as primary caregiver is in our son's best interests.

My daughter: The girl with no blood connection to TTH. Considered to not be part of the family court's care, yet used as a pawn in proceedings.

Hubby: The new husband, acquired after The Incident. Also called Soul Mate & Love of my life.

His daughter: Hubby's daughter. Called this for ease in understanding, without use of names - she is very much Our Daughter when it comes to daily life.

The Judge: A man in black robe who sat in judgment in both the Criminal Trial & Family Court.

Former In-Laws: The parents of TTH.

Pillsbury Dough Boy: The attorney I had for the divorce.

The Other One: TTH's attorney for both all his court matters.

The Shark: The attorney the Former In-Laws hired to protect their Grandparent's Rights.

Miserable Excuse of a Guardian Ad Litem: The female attorney who was to decide what was best for our minor son. (Also called MEGAL for ease in typing.)

Assorted Other Useless People: The pile of humans who either refused to do their jobs, are ineffectual with their jobs, or otherwise let me & my children down when it was their job to protect us. This pile of AOUP includes counselors, child protective services workers, teachers, probation officers, victim's assistance professionals, and police officers. As applicable, their duties & failings shall be listed.

From all this, you'll swear I am a crackpot. A person who's truly only victimized by herself. But stick around, even if only curious, and find out how all of this can happen to you, or to someone you love. Yes, even in America.

In time I will move the cast listing to the sidebar, so that it may be a key to future entries. But for now, here it is.

Tess Discusses Rape

"From the Latin rapere which means "to seize or take by force," the origin of "rape" was war. It was used to describe acts such as looting, destruction and capture of citizens. Even today the act of rape is an acceptable wartime practice and the connotation remains. When men rape women, it indicates war, even in civilized society. Since one in four women will be raped in our country, I believe we have war simmering under the crust of our gender relationships." Rape, by Tess.

Isn't That The Truth

"Just as man invents and constructs technological artifacts which are to serve him and fulfill his desires, so woman as she has been socially invented and constructed, is expected to reflect man's need to be the natural vessel of man's reproductive capacity, a mere bodily extension of the male's procreative powers." From After the Great Divide: Modernism, Mass Culture, Postmodernism (Theories of Representation and Difference), by Andreas Huyssen.

A Man That Gets It

"Her hearing has not failed yet you repeatedly find it necessary to shout. How are you able to shout so loud wuth a mouth full of pride? Your pride needs to be swallowed or spit out. You demand that she spend more time in the house that you own, with a frequent emphasis on your ownership, yet you're rarely there, confining her to a humbling solitude. A solitude that once hurt until she learned to do without you. Now she cherishes your time away."

From Confessions of a Womanizer, by Stephen Chatman.

Amazing that a man who calls himself a womanizer & lives mainly outside the lives, the real lives, of women, could so articulate the circumstance...

The Role of a Man

Yes, I watch the Dr. Phil Show from time to time, it comes on directly after one of my soaps, so sometimes, if laundry folding runs a bit long, or the TV drug has taken effect, I keep it on. That's not the only reason though: He's good.

So good, I wish I could have gotten my husband on that show. I would have loved to hear Dr. Phil (or anyone) say classic lines such as "And how's that working for ya?" or "You realize you're a jerk, don't you?" - the fact that it was on TV, seen by millions, would merely be a bonus (& I could tape it & replay it over & over again).

But past that fantasy, there is much truth in Dr. Phil. And the fact that he speaks English, cuts to the chase, & tells it like it is, makes the truth ring out.

The reason I mention all of this here, is that there was a show on, "The Role of the Man, Part 2," that was stellar. I wished I had seen Part 1. (Thanks to the official website, you can get the jist of it all there.) The staggering part was when Dr. Phil announced his ideas on the role of the man in the family. - and toping that list was a big one.

In the middle of talking with a man who was trying to improve his relationship with his wife, Dr. Phil asked "Are you the protector of her self-esteem?"

I stopped folding his boxers, the girls' jeans, and stared at the screen.

Here was a man, speaking English, hitting a nail right on the head!

You see, the beauty of this simple question was magnificent for several reasons.

Back in the early 80s I read in "Psychology Today Magazine," a letter from a "real psychologist" who wrote in to state that the reason violence was so high among males was that they no long had roles. Gone were the days of male providers, protectors. Men had no 'real work' so they didn't know what to do with themselves (and I guess, it implied that testosterone left without proper channels would turn to violence, which is a whole other debate!).

Even then I felt that was bullshit. I mean men had new places, new roles to provide & protect. Maybe they no longer grabbed a spear, but they hold many other weapons, like the courts. They can use their votes to create & uphold laws for protection. They can teach children, be it as an official teacher or by leading by example, what is important & right. They can start at home & give their families what they need. Why not protect & provide with actions? Men are needed for survival today, as surely as they were in those 'good ol days' of hunting for food, fending off attacks & other forms of basic survival. Some of the means may have changed, but men have the same responsibilities.

So here was Dr. Phil, pointing out that a man's responsibility was to protect his lover's self-esteem. Surely that is worthy of protection - spear or not!

And the genius of Dr. Phil, he spoke it in man-talk. He used words men not only could hear, but respond to. Such as later in the show when Dr. Phil said "Are you providing the spiritual leadership your family needs?" and other statements that used classic male-talk, it was clear that the men in the hot seats were getting it! But then, what man doesn't hear, understand, become motivated by words like 'provider' & 'leader?'

The brilliance of Dr. Phil taking what women want & need in a partner, and translating it into male is impressive.

For nearly half of my 40 years, I have talked to women about what we want in & out of a relationship. I spent most of that time yakking my fool head off to this man & that man, trying to clarify my needs & wants. I used bits from my girlfriends, hoping their words would be of help. All to no avail.

Then here comes Dr. Phil, who 'didn't just fall off a turnip truck,' known for his directness, stating clearly the needs of women everywhere!

Forget that with my new love, the conversation isn't necessary - for some unknown, but blessed reason, he gets it - I still wept.

I wept for the years of trying. I wept for the women who may need help, and now have a tool: the language to communicate!

If you, or someone you love, is having a problem articulating their needs, or the words are not getting through, let Dr. Phil's words help you make contact. View Dr. Phil's "The Role of the Man in the Family," and start using male-lingo - I bet you make some headway.

Quotes

My words fail lately, so here are others:

"Let the world stand screaming. You will mute their voices with your life." ~ Pat Parker ~

"Think like a queen. A queen is not afraid to fail. Failure is another steppingstone to greatness." ~ Oprah Winfrey ~

"Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage." ~ Maya Angelou ~

Child Abuse Deaths on Military Installations

Newswise — Pediatric researchers today called on the Department of Defense to investigate the rates of child abuse homicides at military installations across the nation. The appeal from the North Carolina Child Advocacy Institute was prompted by results of its study showing children in jurisdictions with military bases were twice as likely to be killed by a parent or caregiver than other children in the state.

The findings were presented in Washington, D.C., at the annual meeting of the Pediatric Academic Societies.

The study examined all North Carolina resident cases of child abuse homicides from 1985 to 2000 in children 0 through 10. The deaths were identified by individual record review. Four military installations (Ft. Bragg, Pope Air Force Base, Camp Lejeune and New River Air Station) are in the two counties with the highest rates. Child abuse homicide was defined as the killing of a child by a parent or other person responsible for its health or welfare. Military cases were those whose victims were children of one or both parents on active duty.

“In this study period, the long-term patterns of child abuse homicides are not coincidence,” says Marcia Herman-Geddens, DrPH, senior fellow at the Institute and adjunct professor at the School of Public Health at the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill. “They suggest problems in and around North Carolina military families and military communities that predictably result in a consistently higher number and rate of child abuse homicides than in non-military communities.”

In the study period, the state had 378 abuse homicides of children from birth through age 10, for a rate of 2.2 deaths per 100,000 children. Cumberland County (Ft. Bragg and Pope Air Force Base) had an annual abuse homicide rate for children of military families of approximately 5.0 per 100,000 (ages birth to 10) over the same period. Rates also were higher than the state average for non-military children, suggesting community-wide problems and needs.

In Onslow County (Camp Lejeune/New River Air Station), the average child abuse homicide rate for children of military families was approximately 4.9 per 100,000 during the study period. Again, the rates county-wide were higher than the state average for non-military children.

Herman-Geddens adds that “although military bases have many laudable programs and interventions to reduce child abuse and other family violence, strategies with sufficient effectiveness may be lacking, missing, inadequate and/or undermined by other influences on military and civilian families.” She warns that “action could and should be taken at the local, state, and national levels to reduce child homicides.”

Aside from a national study of all military installations in the nation, the study strongly recommends:

· The Department of Defense must initiate a data collection system for victims of family violence that captures all pediatric and adult cases. The data should include appropriate epidemiological detail and be available to the public for prevention research.

· Current prevention, treatment, and support services available to military families should be examined for effectiveness and expanded with a coordinated response to family violence to reduce spousal and child abuse.

The North Carolina Child Advocacy Institute is a non-profit, independent organization based in Raleigh. Since 1983, NCCAI has worked to make the state a better place in which to be a child and to raise a child. Information is available at http://www.ncchild.org.

Sweet Fur Babies

I read at Lili G's journal (one of my favorite places on the internet, by the way), that her family's pets are being murdered. Shocking enough, all on its own. But when I went in to make a post about my sorrow for their loss, one of her comments made my already cold blood freeze: "They have a 18 month old Brindle Great Dane/Elephant, but they keep a very close eye on her."

I had a Great Dane, whose name I will not post for fear of identity -- let's call him Beloved. Beloved was always nervous of & around my then husband. His tail was often tucked, head lowered. I had presummed this was because the then husband was often yelling, and Beloved being the gentle soul he was, sensitive too such things. Beloved was always near me when the-then-husband was home, but in his uncomfortable pose. But when the-then-husband went to work, Beloved would often sleep upstairs on our bed, returning to the main room of the house in the evening to spend time with me. (The-then-husband worked second shift, so he didn't return home until very late.) It seemed as if the dog would prefer to not to be around that man, but felt obligated to do so. At the time, I took this to mean the dog, having been mine prior to the marriage, was still feeling very 'head of household' and deemed the-then-husband to be a visitor which he must keep an eye on.

One night my Beloved was home with the husband & our child. I know little of what happened that evening, only that I recieved a phone call that the dog had bitten our son, and that I was to come home. Upon coming home, no humans were there, but both of my dogs were gated off in the dinning room. I guessed that the smaller dog had done it, just based on the fact that I saw no blood or mess, & that the big dog, beloved, was so non-threatening. But I was wrong. Both dogs seemed nervous, apologetic, but I had to wait for more answers.

The story I was eventually told is that 'for no reason' Beloved jumbed up & bit our son. He had been watching the TV, he said, and there was nothing upseting the dog, he 'just bit him for ne reason.'

Even then I suspected differently. I knew how he'd yell at the animals. How he'd scream at Beloved for standing up, blocking portions of the TV screen. But I wasn't there. So what could I say?

I had to choose between my flesh & blood son, and my 'furry son.' And so I put Beloved down.

Ever since the incident, I knew that Beloved had been threatened by the-then-husband, and our son was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Likely Beloved was cornered, and he thought he could get away, past the toddler, but something happened, likely the child moved a bit, and Beloved bit out of fear & panic to get away.

Yet another life destroyed by that man.

For those that own a Dane, I know I need not say anything. For those that have pets at all, I imagine the same is true. But for those who have never been blessed by knowing a Dane, let me tell you, they are the sweetest, goofy babies in all of dogdome. You really have to be a mean spirit to harass one into attacking. *sigh*

It should not surprise me, with all I now know of this man. But it does.

And I sure could use my sweet Beloved with me now.

Lili G, you & your children take care of that pup. I'll send Beloved's spirit to watch over her too.

It Never Ends

Like a small pebble dropped into a pond, the ripples spread outward, in rings, forever. Long after the ripples are no longer visible to the person on shore, the beings that live there feel them. No one worries about the microscopic organisms that swirl, maimed & hurt. No person on the shore even thinks about them. But the consequences from those rings live on & on.

It doesn't matter if it's the first time, or the 20th time. For if you survive, it happens again, and again, and again. If not by him, then by your family, your friends, the courts & anyone who finds out about it.

It doesn't end in the kitchen. Or the bedroom. Or the backyard. It doesn't end when he returns to washing the dishes. Or returns to the TV set. Or to the fridge for a beer.

It didn't start with that incident. Or that first punch. Or the first stab. Why would it end there?

It doesn't end when your body has healed. Or if in court he's been found guilty of battery. Or when you live separately.

It doesn't end.